Men Were Expressive Until The Society Gave Them Another Reality – By Abigail Ocheibi


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“Why do you talk too much, are you a woman?” -But then for women, intimacy involves conversation.

Ermm, I am really going to tread carefully here because I might not get it all together. I mean I am not a man so what do I know?

Well, let’s try…

They say, it is in the very nature of man to rather listen than talk. To provide than be fed. To most times, overlook than question.
Does that make sense, do you agree, isn’t that arguable?

Over the years, the one riddle that every woman, well to be fair, most women desperately struggle to solve has been, “how do I get my man to communicate more, what can I do to make him open up?”

First, I don’t agree that it’s in the nature of man to say lesser. Going the path of history as a Christian, I would say the reverse is the case.

Women (except for very few exceptions) were never giving a place at the table. I would say, they were considered feeble-minded, not sturdy enough etc.

…and so when a feminist says “please don’t get the car door for me because you think I’m weaker”, or “when there’s a war, don’t ask for women and children to be carried away first. It makes women seem weaker.”…as a Christian sometimes I think such statements should be directed to heaven because in most instances in the Bible women were not even counted to start with.

In eras past, women were considered minors, feeble and so they need no speak because their opinions didn’t matter .

There were few who rooted for women to be given their proper places; they agitated both in words and actions.
But they were quite few.

Many of you may be wondering why Queen Elizabeth the Ist’s speech to the Troops at Tilbury in 1588 is still taught in schools today. Or you might be wondering why Queen Amina of Zaria is a very important part of Nigeria’s history especially when it comes to women taking positions and speaking up. These and other few stood out amongst the rest. The refused being silenced, being categorized as minors, among other such nonsense.

Just like The Queen said; “I have the body of a weak, feeble woman; but I have the heart and stomach of a king.”

Did you know that a Nigerian wife needs her husband’s permission to get an international passport? Well, Nigerian law considers her minor.

I gave all the above instances just so you know that men originally were the headliners, the speakers and endorsers of all affairs until the society gave them another reality.

Okay let’s go back to why men usually tend to say less.

Again, I don’t think being brawny is synonymous to being laconic. I might agree in the rugged nature of man but never as a less expressive being.

The phrase , “men don’t talk much” is actually meaningless to me even though I use it to get away with stuff sometimes or to win an argument. LOL.

Men are moulded into whatever reality of them we have today as far as communication in relationships is concerned.

As a child, a man is usually told to “man up”, “suck it in”, “don’t cry”, “don’t answer, that’s how women behave “, “don’t argue with her, she’s a woman “, etc.

Now a seed has been planted and just like a farmer, we expect it to germinate. Apparently we are harvesting and we will keep doing so for a long time except if there’s a paradigm shift. Some mental/attitude readjustment . A changed perspective and character.

I mean how do you expect him to just start talking “like a woman “ when all his life he’s been told to shut up, to not talk like a little girl?

More so, African man is raised to believe that being emotional is a sign of weakness; so they are always told to “cheer up, be a man, shake it off man, don’t cry like a lady “, etc. Thus, an African man is not expressive when it comes to emotions.

They were sold the idea of “you can solve and overcome anything without involving women. Women will distract you instead.”

Thus, they bottle up so much and what we see today in our “woke” era are men trying to break that chain, (I don’t want to talk about that today).

As a woman, you need to understand why your man doesn’t carry you along when making certain decisions and why you think your communication flow is at zero level.

When you understand the genesis, you are better informed on how to make it work and how to help him open up some more. Because for some of them, it’s pretty normal not just communicate EVERYTHING with their significant other.

..and no, this is not me saying men shouldn’t work on themselves and be better communicators but I am saying, when you blame them which you should if they don’t communicate as they should, also look at these other factors.

With that being said; men need to understand that leadership is best done side by side and that can only happen when the communication flow is 100%. They need to understand that for women, intimacy involves communication. A woman wants to know that she has a listening partner, someone she can always tell it all and be assured of his support and comfort.
Therefore, as a man you have to be very intentional in your effort to do better as far as communicating with your partner is concerned.

QUICK TIPS that might help women in fostering better communication flow with their spouses;

Avoid the phrase “we need to talk” as much as possible whenever you want to talk to your man. That’s a big trigger except really, it’s super serious.

Again, learn to start a conversation on a very light note and under casual atmosphere. Maybe at leisure, while playing games etc, just bring it up casually and then go with the flow. Intense atmospheres usually set their minds on a defensive mode automatically.

Sometimes when a man sees his woman he sees arguments and fights. You want your man to see your point or want him to buy it but you don’t know when or how to go about it. Thus, most of your conversations end in arguments. Take it or not, arguments and nagging are also a huge trigger for men.

Timing is also pertinent. You wouldn’t want to bring a serious conversation when he’s swamped or exhausted…little harmless statement you could make might set him off in moments like this. So you might want to watch out for a relaxed atmosphere to bring up certain discussions except it’s actually urgent.

Avoid third party ; don’t talk to other people before talking to your man as much as possible. Most times you get advised wrongly or some how you already have a particular mindset and if he doesn’t go that rout, it wouldn’t end on good notes.

Generally speaking, if we want to raise a generation of open men and women in relationships then we have to get it right from the start. Everyone should be allowed to express themselves provided such expression isn’t harmful to anyone.

I hope these points make sense in a way or two.


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